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Chapter 4 : Opposite Wind
No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away. I can still remember those beautiful days. The intervals between the classes, The weekends we spent together in the college, Evenings I took her to the beach. Oh.. Susan loves sunset. She is been seeing this since her childhood. We have seen it together for a number of times, though she welcomed each sunset as she never experienced it before. It was Susan's usual habit to stand still there, eyes closed, facing the great sun when he starts to hide himself from the light. It was always an amazing experience for me. To see Susan standing there with her eyes closed and a tiny smile on her lips. She always hid a smile on her face.
But time is beyond our control. Days passed like gentle fall of leafs from a tree. As I look back, I could recollect the moments I spent with Susan. Those amazing days. The days I enjoyed most in my life.
But , life is a long journey, in which difficulties always has an upper hand over happiness. Sometimes life can be incredibly cruel as well. It can lead you to a situation where you feel there is no valid relations, Where you feel loneliness at it best even though you are surrounded by number of friends. I never had any hard, bitter situation before that. I was happy throughout my life. My parents raised me by showing their life as an example. I was happy about my family,friends,parents,school life....everything I experienced till that day. But what my life spared me in Susan's case was trouble. I loved her more than she thought. But there came situations where she ignored my love. Love is like that. You can't predict it nature. You may feel it at any time, to any one, up to any extent. You will do anything for whom you loved. But Love is the most vulnerable thing. Not years, but a single second is capable of destroy the love in an individual. No matter how much you loved or how long you have been in love, Its hard to get it back once you lost it. Thats what makes the love a precious thing.
2010 Nov 10. It was Susan's 19th birthday. I woke up as usual and looked forward to meet Susan in the class. Last night I called her and she was extremely happy. I called her at 11.50 in the night to wish her. I called 10 minutes ahead of 12 o clock because I didn’t want any one else to wish her ahead of me. We talked casual things till 12 and then I wished her in the most beautiful way I was aware of. I , Ashish S Nair, from a middle class Hindu family borrowed one sentence from the bible and wished her by quoting that.
“Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul. “
I knew what Susan likes and what she doesn't. She loved bible and found some time to read it everyday.
This knowledge helped me to wish her in a completely different way and I am pretty sure that she liked it.
I reached the class little earlier than usual. Normally Susan comes before me. But that day It was me who came first. I waited for her arrival however the result was negative. She came just few seconds before the faculty does. While entering, she turned her head towards my side and I realized that her eyes were looking for me. Class began. Susan in the first seat of the right side. Class went on, I attempted to listen the class in light of the fact that I couldn't find whatever other approach to breathe easy there in that class. I sat there , pretending as an intrigued individual. However my eyes were on Susan. Susan appeared to be unsettled there. Something is irritating her. It was Susan who acted instantly after the class. She ran towards me and said in a rush.
“ Don’t go hostel for lunch today. We will have from canteen.”
“ Birth day Treat. ??. I asked
“ Nope. Just wanted to tell u something. We will go after the lab class.“. She replied and left me, not even bothering to listen what I had to say.
Anyway, Lunching from canteen wasn't a tough task for me. Especially when I was keen to talk to her.
So we reached canteen around 1'o clock. She found a table at corner side of the room for us. We ordered meals and waited there to arrive our food. Usually she used to sit opposite to me because she prefers face to face talking. But this time she found herself a seat over the side chair of mine. From the beginning itself I felt something fishy about her plan. I could feel something wrong with her.
“What you want to tell me, my birthday girl ?”. I asked her.
Susan walked into the most unforgettable day of my life.
” Da .first you have to promise me that you wont disclose it to any one else. “
“ Oh..Secret..? Common.. I wont...” I replied as I leaned towards her so that she can say her secret in my ears.
“Don’t play. I'm serious..Promise me.”. She said again.
“ Shhh...Secret..Tell me..tell me...” . I tried to cool the situation.
“ Ashish.... I told you that I’m serious.. Listen..”. Susan screamed.
Then I realized that I should get out of my casual mood to hear what she wants to say. Otherwise My crying tom will leave me. So I sat steadily in order to give her a space to say her secret.
“ Its been disturbing me for the past three four days. I wanted to tell you this on several occasions. But I didn't. Then I thought its better to select this day. My birthday. Do you remember that day you promised me that you will give whatever I ask for on my birthday ?”
“ Yeah I remember. Go on..Ask “. I replied.
“Don't misunderstand me. If you find any single mistake, please discuss with me. OK ? “. Susan said, still not managed to proceed with the matter.
“Ok Susan. You say the matter. I'm not gonna kill you “. I said.
Her presentations make little fear in me as well. Susan needs to say me something which she assumes to hard to tell me. That made me truly unnerving. I got a little thought on what she needed to let me know. Different film scenes rang a ringer. Scenes where the on-screen woman character endeavoring to tell her fondness to the mail character. Susan gonna propose me!, Finally, the most anticipated day has come. I thought in my brain.
“ Actually... I love one person “. She said as she tried to avoid the eye contact.
“ Who ?. Tell me”. I asked her in a surprise look. I pretended there as a boy who never expect that sentence from her. She didn’t reply for a while.
“ Tell me who ?” . I asked her again. More like demanding. Still no answer.
I kept quiet and gave her time. “ Common Susan tell me. Its me ..your Ashish. I waited two years to hear this from you..I am still.......”. I thought in my mind.
Susan's reply didn’t let me to finish my thoughts. She walked into her most kept secret.
“ Its him. Amin ”
Amin was her school friend who is currently studying Dubai. She hardly talked about him to me. All I knew was Amin , Rohit and Susan were in same class and they were good friends.
Still I could feel that feelings which has experienced my brain. I acted before Susan. Maybe that was the first occasion when I acted before her, and it was a starting.. Start of the quantity of developments happened in me. I lost the great Ashish. It was the beginning of everything.
Susan wanted me to support her. There were events where Susan was befuddled to take a firm decision. She is not the sort of young lady who confer a connection only for a fun or time pass or for name sake.So it was hard for her to take a decision. She adores Rohit. Yet she was totally jumbled whether it would be a fair decision or not.
All the time, I supported her.. I dint say my emotions to anybody. I didn't need any other person to know my issues. I took unique consideration to act ordinarily before her. Susan never showed signs of change. She carried on precisely as she did days prior. She minded me in the same way she did. At the same time things were skipping far from me. The feeling "Amin's Susan " headed me to a rationally tired circumstance. Things went terrible for me. I acted at its best in front of Susan. I needed to over come the circumstances, I attempted yet I proved unable. Each one message from Susan made some issue in me. Yet I figured out how to go on. “At least She is still with me.”. I thought.
Days passed by, It was college arts festival time when I got my energy back. A lot of things happened in between. Susan and Amin got closed. Susan preferred Rohit as the way to tell her love to Amin. She didn't have the courage to tell him directly , So she used the help of Rohit. He acted as the message carrier between Amin and Susan, Which strengthen their friendship. She found some time to call Rohit as well.
That day Kiran woke me up. Kiran,one of my colleague who is extremely passionate about dancing needed us to perform a Rock emulate on our arts day. He structured a group of 7 individuals and made us to practice the program each night. He chose the song,composed the steps,decided the part, recommended the costumes...it was he who took all the obligations. We used cash for outfits & instruments as though we are using for a beneficial business.
It was a Thursday. The second day of our arts. We arrived at college around 9'o clock and got prepared for the program. Kiran needs to perform ahead of some other group and he picked up the first space with his contacts. We performed well. Everybody praised us. I searched for Susan and she wasn't there. While I backtracking to change my outfits, I got some information about Susan. From her answer I understood the way that Susan wasn't there for my program. She was aware about my program. I told her to come. But Susan didn't come.
Something wrong was happening when I reached the auditorium again. Kiran, standing in the middle arguing to some of the people from program committee. I asked Jithin what the problem is.
“We are disqualified.” he said.
“What. Why? “. I asked as I moved near to kiran.
“ They says original instruments are not allowed in Rock mime. We used keyboard ,right!!. So they disqualified us. ”
We used original keyboard for our program which was against the rule we weren't aware of.
Kiran argued to the program committee and they promised him to have a talk with the judges. May be because of our performance, They gave us third price which was not at all an acceptable result for us, especially kiran. Somehow we managed to cool him down.
Throughout that day, my eyes were searching for her. In between I made her a call but she didn't pick up. But she send me a message in reply.
“Da. I will cal u back in the evening. Little busy with some programs now. I will tell you everything. “.
Her message was a big relief for me. That was the best reply for my concerns. That day I understood how much possessive I was about her. I was thinking about the absence of Susan since the morning. Various possibilities came to my mind. I picturised the worse situation where Susan ignored my program in order to spend time with Rohit. But luckily Susan replied me back. Its enough for me. I didn’t try to call her again. “Let her do her work.” . I thought.
When I reached hostel after the day's programs, I casually visited Kiran's room. He is sitting in his bed as if he got raped just before, with his face supported on his knees. I called him out. His unpleasant face says everything. Kiran is not at all pleased with the result we got. I called Jithin and all our remaining team mates. For the next one hour I completely forget about Susan as we discussed about our result. Finally they halted their discussion with a decision.
“Lets go to the BAR” .
I never drunk alcohol before. Not even beer. But I usually go to bar with my friends. They usually drink as much drinks they could. For boys the amount of alcohol consumed by him is a scale to measure his stamina and mind control. But my friends doesn't have any control. They forgets everything once they drunk liquor. One person will laugh for nothing, other one will cry, dancing,singing.... But it was always nice for me to go with them. I simply enjoyed each moment with them. That day we reached Devalokam bar around 9 in the night. Kiran inaugurated the process by taking the first sip. Since then, it was a mass crying in that room. Kiran moaned like a baby.
“ Bloody seniors. They got first price for doing some show off. We tried hard and performed well. Its politics. Senior's politics. I will kill themmmm..” . He cried out. Others join with him. Kamalesh started hurting himself by hitting his own chest.
My phone started ringing from my pocket. Everyone stopped discussion as they heard the ringing sound. “ Who the fuck is that...Who the fu......”. An English song which one of my friend gave me weeks before. They stared at me as they heard the song. Without letting the song to complete, I left the room,pressed the green button and talked to Susan. Yeah it was Susan.
“Hi Susan. Where were you ?”. I asked in a calm voice. I was angry upon her as she didnt come for my performance. But I didn't show that.
“ Sorry da. I missed your program. I wanted to come. Sorry”. She said.
“ Its ok. Everyone were busy today. It was not mandatory to see my program.” .I replied her.
“ Yeah. That is my Ashish. Always supporting me. Ma own friend.” . Susan said with a loud laugh.
“Haha... What were you doing actually.?. I didn't even see you today. “. I commented.
“Yeah. I am coming to that. I was in stage two. With Rohit. His program was there. Oh my god !! I was very much tensed there. Being with him is not that easy..”. She said and waited for me to say something in reply.
It took few seconds for me to open my mouth. It was an unexpected reply for me. I felt it as a stab on my heart. Somehow I managed to say some words.
“ Ohh.. nice.How was it ?". I asked. Susan was waiting for that question. She started describing all the things happened that day. I felt as I am talking to a talkative person. She was excited to say those things. “You know , he don’t even know the lyrics of that song, then too he entered into the stage. Stupid guy he is. Always doing fun.........he did that.....He told me that....We went there..............” She continued..Susan was totally excited...Tears began tumbling from my eyes. To begin with a drop, then it spilled out of my eyes, in the same way as a stream.. through my face, then through midsection it went down. It didnt stop. Ashish S Nair, 19 years old have never been cried previously. At the same time I didn't realize what happened that day. I couldn't stop. Susan,ive preferred you since the day we began talking. I like your giggle, grin, face, identity, cleverness. Everything. Presently i could feel something is skipping far from me. Like some see sand on my hand, Its began skipping far from me when i attempted to hold it hard.I never cried before. I never had to..My situations never made me to cry.I returned to the room. The are just about to finish their drinks. I examined the table. One bottle of white mischief is still there on the table, unopened. I stared at it. Continuously..
we exited the bar around 10:15. I don't know how to gauge the amount of liquor I consumed.( I'm not acquainted with this peg,large,small things). What I knew was I expended two glasses of liquor that day, diluted in fact. I have never tasted liquor previously, not even beer. My ideas were against liquor. Why ought to individuals drink liquor ?. Everything has changed that day.I was supposed to lead my friends to hostel. In any case that day I don't know how they headed me to hostel. On the way back to hostel, Arju regurgitated and began snickering to no end which he couldn't control for whatever remains of the day. Kamalesh crossed the rushy parkway street without viewing the vehicles, Kiran hugged one people tree and complained to it about his rock mime result. Somehow we reached the hostel around 11 in the night. Shahid come and pick me to our room. I couldn't sleep for some time. All the beautiful moments happened between Susan and me came to my mind. Alcohol played those scenes slowly for me.
It was my room mates to whom I said my disaster. I sat in the floor, supporting my again on the floor. Ranjith sitting on the table with Shahid while Shahal lying on the couch. I recounted to them every bit my story. The listened it as they are going to a critical gathering. The investigated the whole story as I completed. It was Shahal who responded first.
“ leave it man. You will get an other beautiful girl. Pakka “
Everybody had their own particular adaptations of answers for my depiction. All attempting to support me. In any case nothing was sufficient for me. "Attempt to forget that" they said. Furthermore I truly attempted to obey them in that.
The Days passed rapidly. My friends were dependably there for me, yet I like to be with another friend. An uninvited friend who came to my life on that night at Devalokam bar. Liquor. At first it was two pegs. Then three, four.. it went on.
Susan was examining me for the recent days. She could feel something wrong in the middle of us. She didn't say it or talked about with me however studied me from the back. I began rebuking her for basic things, overlooking her exhorts, Intentionally kept me occupied before her.( I need her to begin talking first.) But she never ignored me. not in any case a bit. She could adjust herself up to any extent for me. But none of her activities were sufficient to change my attitude. Dreadful things happend step by step. dissentions, blaming..then battling...Everything bagan on that day. That saturday.
When I arrived at my room after the usual football match, I saw susan's missed call in my phone. It was around 7 at night and i took a fast shover so i can call susan without any unsettling influence.( I was sweating and my dresses were completely soaked. I dint need to converse with her in that condition).I called her however her phone was busy. I made her an other call. Results same. I called her after 10 minitues and it was occupied once more. This was not the first occasion when I confronted this circumstance. Yet this was the first occasion when her line went occupied for a long 10 minitues. all the time she used to get back to me when she see my missed call. Yet that didn't happen today. It took 45 minitues for her to get back to me. I began with an inquiry and she replied with a "Sorry,It was Amin'.
"Ok. Why did you call me?"
"Is it neccessary to have a reason to call you ?". another quesion for my question.
" No. What is the problem". I fired back. "No soft talks. be a tough man" I told myself.
"Nothing great. simply called you dude..Saturday na..". Susan burst into laugh. We usually call each other on weekends. Sometimes me , Sometimes Susan. But call was around 7-8 in the evening.
" Ok. You were busy during our normal timing.". I said.
" Yeah. Actully i was going to let you know. Amin won't be accessible on our day times. Night as well. He said he will be available in nights. Thats why.And i said ok for callin gme aound 7 PM. We can talk later or earlier". She said.
"Alright.". I answered. Didn't say whatever other word. Whatever she said was 100% correct. No slip-ups. However i didn't say an alternate word. I hanged up the call and left my room.
That was a clear indication of my change. Susan continuously understood the issue in me.it was clear from her responses that she never expected it from me. She found more time to spent with me.she attempted to persuade me, attempted to change my considerations, She demonstrated the extent to which she loves him,how much she need him in her life. It was never simple for her to make me understand the things. She attempted yet fizzled. Terrible things kept on happening in the middle of us. She balanced her most extreme and attempted again to persuade me.. Having a go at attempting...Anyhow she failed. She failed each time she tried. Trying trying trying...but she failed and then she...she quit.
Battling started to happen practically ordinary. All that she does wasn't right in my eyes. I felt so. step by step Susan began overlooking my remarks. Of course nobody can't experience such circumstances for quite a while. Susan's obliviousness was not to mischief me however for keeping herself far from the inconveniences created by me. There happened the times where she intentionally left the class promptly after the class got over. Now and then she dismissed her face from me. Sometime she needed to double think before attending to my call. Anyhow the more Susan leaves me, the more i needs to be with her. One day I called her and we were examining the cool things happened that day. discussion was going fine till she said that she has gotten a missed call from Amin in the midst of my call. She made me to disengage our call and went to call him. I utilized the accompanying 30 minutes expecting her call anyway i didn't get any sign from Susan. I couldn't hold up more so i called her again and the line was possessed. I attempted various times yet the result was same constantly. Anyhow to my surprise, she called me and approached the explanation behind my calls. I answered the same sentence she used to let me know when i ask the reason fro her call.
"Is it necessary to have any huge thing to call you ?". I asked
"No. not unnecessary. But now its Amin's chance. I have as of now told you. Right?. You are calling me for nothing, right?. Amin was totally irate upon me when i said him that i have to call you."
"Is he irate on me ?. Why?." I yelled.
" You called me in the middle of our talking. that too for nothing." .That was the second time she pronounced that word 'for nothing' which made me extremely furious.
"You could have let him know that you can't maintain a distance from my call?" . I asked her.
"Why should i?. What he saying is correct only. right ?. " Susan replied in a low but firm voice.
" Oh. that implies its my misstep na. Alright. I won't do it once more". I threw my telephone without disconnecting her call with the goal that she could hear the voice of my telephone hitting the wall.
That was literally end of an era. End of a 15 ,months long beautiful friendship. I hated her that day. I really did. I think, that was the first minute I looked her as the greatest error of my college life. I was not sad, disappointed neither. I felt deceived. Not what Amin said her, But her answer to me made me more uncomfortable. I began reviling her. I started cursing her. I discussed this with one of my friend Vishnu. I expected a steady answer from him however his reaction was totally against me. He couldn't discover a solitary misstep from her. "Whatever she said is correct when you think of her as circumstances.". He said. Vishnu had a sensible clarification for each of my protests against her. "It might be a direct result of that..because of this...". He was thinking everything sake of her.. He was reasoning everything behalf of her. His words reduced the anger in me but I decided not to call her from my side.
Susan held up outside the class for me following day and she approached me to bunk the class for her. At first I was not in the slightest degree satisfied yet later I needed to comply with her. Her point was only to apologize for what happened the last night. I listened everything quietly. I kept noiseless on the grounds that I needed her to know how it influenced me. . From my silence, she understood the thoughts going in me and she acted accordingly. And I agreed to talk her again and she was happy.
But unfortunately bad things happened again. I started finding mistakes in almost all her actions. Whatever she does, it was not simply alright for me. Above all,, I felt unimportant in front of her which made me mad and I continued to blame her for everything. Everyday fighting then solving it back..this process continued for a while.
But everything with a beginning has an end. My fighting and blaming were more than she could handle. I made her cry most of the days. “ I loved you as my own and is this what you are giving me?. “ . She asked me frequently. But I found reasons to believe in my stands. Everything was her mistake in my eyes. That day, That Saturday I called her and she talked me for around 15 minutes. It was 10 at the night and we talked about Amin's coming to Kerala.
“Amin will reach airport tomorrow. I'm planning to go to.....” She said with a little dread and after that a long hush. The call got separated without waiting for Susan to complete her sentence. I checked my telephone and found that the balance is over. I held up little for her call however regardless of the information that she won't get back to me, I cleared out my space for recharging the cell. Hostel gates were shut and I had to jump hostel boundaries. I ran to main junction where I found an opened shop.
“Ok. Are you going alone ?” I asked her when she attended my second call and she said yes. I asked whether I ought to go with her or not. She said she could go alone. I needed to go with her yet she didn't let me.
I was washing my clothes when Shahid said me about his talk with Susan happened that day. He was coming from college ground and came directly to me when he saw my face at the washing place from the distance. From his conversation I understood that Susan lied to shahid that she went airport to see her cousin . She presented Amin as her cousin to Shahid. I haven't bothered to change it. I gave a pleasant smile and shacked my head. But the next sentence was the one which screwed our story.
“Susan and Rohit are good friends, right?. Rohit was also there with Susan”.
“Where?”. I asked him back.
“With her to airport. They went together I guess. Now they are in college. Standing near the canteen” He said.
Those words felt as a cut on my flush. The extent that I knew, Susan was going alone. Is it Shahid's mix-up or Susan deceived me Which she never did previously. I completed my washing in sudden and arrived at my space to call her. I took my phone and called her. She is not attending. I tried again but no answer. Without waiting for her to call me back, I left the room and decided to go college canteen. I was going to run when I saw our bike supported on the hostel wall. We companions purchased one used bike a month back for 5000 rupees. The bike was in great condition which will create sound for everything with the exception of horn. Absence of front head light kept us from utilizing it on the nights. Absence of break made us to scratch our legs on the read to stop the bike. Absence of both side stand and focal stand constrained us to park our vehicle close to a wall or a tree with the goal that we could help our bike on it. When I saw our bike there, I turned back and went to take it, After various attempting, I began its motor and I was prepared to go. I took a U turn and scarcely moved a 100 meter when I saw a long extended arm, asking a lift in front from me. When I arrived at all the more closer ,I Understood the face and it was kamalesh. He too was to college and when I stopped my bike for him,its motor got off. It was a dreary assignment for me to begin it once more. I attempted to begin by kicking the kicker. But no positive result. I took a gander at Kamalesh, He is standing still there, In a striped formal shirt and pants, not by any means attempting to help me. I was in total hurry when I started the scooter again. I wanted to see Susan with Rohit to confirm my doubt. I wanted to reach the canteen before the finished eating. I wanted her to say a big No to my question. Most of all, I wanted to ask her why did she lie to me. But this scooter already wasted my 10 minutes. I gave maximum acceleration and the college is in our eyesight now. I headed to the back gate and there I hunt down a stopping spot for my standless bike. I didn't have the patience enough to find a tree or a wall. So I speed own the scooter and jumped from it when its speed was almost zero. In any case kamalesh never anticipated this and he was not prepared to jump from it. When I looked back while walking towards the canteen, all I could see was, the scooter lying on the mud water with Kamalesh.
I saw Susan there near the canteen. I directly walked towards her without any hesitation. I looked around . No sign of Rohit. I fired a series of questions.
“Why are you her?, Why did you lie?...”. I wanted her to say some positive reply to me.
However susan kept quiet. Furthermore it was a huge long hush.
“Why did you lie to me?”. I asked.
She didn't answer yet kept her quiet. I pushed her to say it, and she finally did.
“ I was afraid of you. Amin told me to come with Rohit. I would not like to open our plan to you in light of the fact that it will harm you. So I stayed silent.”
" I asked you whether I ought to accompany you or not. Right?. You could tell that then. Right?. This is...". Susan didnt let me to complete my words. She answered in brutal voice.
"Ashis,please quit faulting. I don't think its an enormous issue. Rohit is my companions and I will run with anybody I wish. You dont need to stress over that. Continuously blaming...”. With that Susan left from me.